Why I Chose to be Childfree and Sterilized at 25

People have asked me my entire life, how many children I wanted to have. As a child raised in a Latinx household, it was culturally expected that I would at some point marry and have children. Choosing not to have any never seemed to cross anyone’s mind, including mine. For a long time, having children seemed like an unavoidable task. It was not a matter of if, but of when. Once, as a child, one of the adultos in my family asked me how many kids I wanted. At the time, because again I was a child, I thought having kids was like having dolls so I said twelve. This earned a laugh and approval from the other adults around me. Not one person mentioned that I was far too young to decide that. 

As a pre-teen, and after a lot of babysitting sobrinas and sobrinos, I began to realize that there may be a bit more to having and raising children than I was led to believe. There were diaper changes, tantrums, and long nights. But again I would be asked, “How many niños do you want?” and my answer was a little less sure. I would then be told that it was ok if I didn’t know how many, and that just having one or two was probably a good amount. 

Then in high school, I started getting asked that question in more earnest. As a result, I began to think about it in more earnest. I looked at the people around me who were having children and tried to think about what it would be like to be in their shoes as an adult. I realized that there wasn’t one mother I envied, not one parent I wanted to be. Not because I thought I would be a terrible parent or because they had terrible lives, but because I saw that having children was not as simple of a choice as everyone pretended it was. 

I knew at the very least, that I never wanted to get pregnant since I had to be honest with myself and the blunt truth of it was that the idea of getting pregnant repulsed me. I knew it was natural and many consider it beautiful but I just had a hard time seeing it that way. When I saw my primas, amigas, hermanas, or tias become pregnant, I could see the physical toll it took on them. Side effects after side effects, some that were never covered by any health class I had (like suddenly becoming allergic to things you weren’t allergic to before). 

But that didn’t answer the question of, did I want to be a mother? After all, not wanting to get pregnant wouldn’t mean that I couldn’t become a mother. When I talked to my familia about parenthood, they would highlight all the good they thought came of it. They talked about how fulfilled they felt and how they always wanted a family of their own. My family is also incredibly religious so I would often hear the reason that it was their duty as good Christian women to bring life into the world and new followers to Jesus. 

These just didn’t feel like good enough reasons however and I continued to have doubts. I just had no desire to be a parent the way my primas and hermanas had the desire. I also observed how culturally, Latinx households put the majority of the work on women. The childrearing and the household chores would disproportionately fall on them on top of their regular jobs. And I knew that it wasn’t reserved just for the Latinx community. 

Also, as an introvert, I have always valued time alone in a quiet environment. That would end with a child. After years of babysitting my sobrinas and sobrinos, I realized that I get easily overwhelmed and overstimulated around children. As much as I love my nieces and nephews, I was always happiest when I got to go back to my room with a book and tea and no one to bother me. 

I also knew that as an adult, I wanted freedom and independence. I know what it is like to live in a low-income household and saw that my mom was not able to do all the things she wanted to do since she had kids to think of. Being the youngest of five, my mom had to wait until I was much older before she began to gain some of that independence back. And I wanted that for her. I wanted her to travel and try new things without having to worry about me. This in turn made me realize that I wanted to have lasting independence and freedom, not just when a child was old enough. Of course, you can travel and do things with kids, but it can completely change an experience. Suddenly, trips can double or triple in price. You are limited to choosing family-friendly options, which there are many to choose from, but there are certain places you would not be able to go. I didn’t want to feel limited or held back in any way.  

Then I heard someone say something once which gave me the perspective I needed to make my decision. The one decision you can’t take back in life is the decision to have and raise a child.  Are there consequences to major life decisions? Of course, but you can sell a house, quit a job, divorce, etc., but you can’t un-have a child. You should be 100 percent sure of your decision to have a child and I knew I wasn’t ever going to be sure. So, at fifteen, I decided to never have children and it felt right. 

At first, when people asked me that age-old question of how many kids did I want, I started to respond that I didn’t think I wanted any. Immediately, this was deemed an unacceptable answer. Of course, you want them you just don’t know it yet. Or, it’s different when they’re your kids. When I would continue to hold fast, the responses became angrier. You’ll regret not having them. There will be no one to take care of you when you’re older. You’re too young to make that kind of decision. Having children is what women are supposed to do, you’re selfish if you don’t. On and on it went, until I stopped being so open about my decision. I would placate people by saying that having kids wasn’t in the cards for me at the moment. Making people think that children were an option at all was the only way they would leave me alone. 

So, I remained silent in my decision until I hit my twenties. This is when I researched different birth control options and settled on Nexplanon since it was long-term birth control and for a while, I thought that this would be it. I would be on birth control until menopause so that I never had children, no matter the side effects I might face. But then I came across a post on social media. It was a woman talking about how she chose to get sterilized and why. At first, I thought that would be too extreme for me. But then I began to seriously contemplate it. Although my birth control was working, it began to impact my life in other ways I didn’t like. It affected my mood, my appetite, and I didn’t feel comfortable in my own body anymore. My doctor told me to try an intrauterine device (IUD) since it was hormone-free, but it was too painful and invasive of a procedure for something that would need to be replaced again and again. And if I knew I was never going to have children, then there is no real reason not to do it. 

So for a year, I did a substantial amount of research on the procedure. I talked to my primary gynecologist as well as people who had gotten the procedure done. And at the end of that, the idea of getting sterilized just felt so right. It made sense for me and the life I was building for myself. It took me years before I found a doctor willing to do the surgery on me, but as of right now, it has been six months since I had the procedure done. The amount of relief I felt after the surgery was staggering.

I can say with absolute certainty that this was the best decision I have ever made in my life. I feel whole and more like myself than I have in years. I feel empowered that I had the privilege to make this choice for myself. Because at the end of the day, it is my body, and it was my choice. It affects no one else. And for those who continue to say that I would regret my choice, I would like to say this: I would rather not have children and regret it than have children and regret it. One is far more permanent and far more damaging than the other. 

I share my story, not to convince people to not have children or to get sterilized, but to show that percentage of Latinx folks who choose to be child-free that they are not alone and that their decision is just as valid as those who choose to have children.