Reclaiming My Afro-Latindad Helped My Mental Health

Growing up in Los Angeles as a Panamanian Afro-Latina has not been an easy experience. I was originally born in Panama and raised in Los Angeles from the age of four. I grew up there with my Black Panamanian side, my father’s side of the family. My home consisted of traditional Latinx expectations and values. My grandma was often cooking and cleaning while dancing to salsera Celia Cruz playing in the background. I was taught that an education was most important and would help me get ahead in my American life. We lived a pretty good life, chasing the “American Dream.” Life as a first gen Afro-Latina immigrant of lighter skin complexion would bring many challenges. I was often left feeling as if I had to prove to others that I really was a part of the Afro-Latinx side of my family due to my lighter skin tone. Every time I returned home to Los Angeles from Panama with my dad’s side of the family, it felt like we were consistently questioned by Immigration coming into LAX Airport.

One time on my way back to Los Angeles from Panama at age 9, U.S. Customs and Border Protection did not want to release me to my family because they thought “my family stole me” from Panama. I was on this trip with my great-grandmother, aunt, and cousin but none of us had the same last name for various reasons so on the one hand, I could understand the confusion. But on the other hand, I remember feeling so scared that I would be taken away by the authorities. I felt we were singled out at the time. They would not release me until my grandfather was called and brought some additional documentation to prove I was really an “Osborne.” I was so confused as I knew they were family but yet, we were being questioned by the authorities as if my family had “done something wrong.” I remember walking away from that experience with the questions: “Why did we have to prove ourselves? Is it because I’m lighter than them? What’s the big deal?”

While I had the opportunity to grow up in America with my dad’s side of the family, what wasn’t talked about was the confusion and complexities I would experience due to being an Afro-Latina of lighter complexion. My experience was often not feeling “Latina enough” to be Latina nor “Black enough” to be Black. When I would visit family in Panama throughout childhood, I was often referred to as “La Gringuita” (“The American”) because of how Americanized I was and my ability to speak way better English than Spanish. I was also told statements by my mother’s side of the family such as “I hope you’re praying and thanking God every day for your white skin” or “that nose is most definitely not from our side.” I had no clear sense of identity: “Ni de aquí, ni de allá.” These experiences would later contribute to the depression, anxiety, and imposter syndrome symptoms I experienced as a kid and continue to work through today as an adult.

Many of these negative statements would become ingrained in my core beliefs about myself. “Not being good enough” to be Latina or Black was a core belief I struggled with the most. I had no idea how much my challenges with identity and seeking community were impacting the way I was showing up in my circles at school and later on in work and friendship circles as an adult. I had anxiety every time I switched to a different school for fear of being unable to find a friendship circle that I “belonged in.” When attending the public school system in LA for middle school and part of high school, I was openly embraced by a few Black friends but often rejected by the Mexican girls or other Latinas. I often felt depressed that I had to “pick a side.” I had begun wearing so many different masks just to fit into the spaces available to me. It was exhausting. These experiences weighed heavily on my body, mind, and spirit for years before I would begin to unpack them in therapy with various different therapists.

I remember when I first came across the term “Afro-Latino” in 2017 through a YouTube clip “Afro-Latino & Proud” by Pero Like and how freeing it felt to finally have a name for the space “in between.” But even then, I would struggle with fully embracing myself as an Afro-Latina. All of my questions of doubt came flooding to my mind: “Would I have to prove myself again? Do I even look Black to others? Am I Black enough to claim Afro-Latinidad?” These questions would lead me down a path of self-discovery and true reclamation. In being brave enough to bring up my identity challenges with my Black female therapist at the time, she was able to help and guide me to slowly begin to remove the layers of internalized shame for not having a space to fit in or truly be seen.

Therapy really assisted me with a space to proudly and loudly claim my Afro-Latinidad regardless of what others would say or think about me. Having open conversations about identity with my therapist allowed me to work through depression, anxiety, and impostor syndrome symptoms. Being able to discuss identity and the ways I longed to connect with my identity helped to relieve these symptoms over time. I slowly began to let go of outdated beliefs that were no longer serving me. Having the opportunity to release and let go of core beliefs such as “not feeling good enough,” allowed me to confidently identify as an Afro-Latina.

What I’ve come to learn over time is that I’m from aquí y de ella. It’s ok to be from both places and to own my Afro-Latinidad as an Afro-Latina of lighter complexion. I’ve been able to work through much of my identity and sense of belonging challenges through convos with family, friends, and other mental health professionals. These conversations have looked more like pláticas, where we are able to have heart to heart conversations and learn from our own unique stories and experiences. Particularly with my dad’s side of the family, I have been able to feel seen and heard in their stories about not “looking Latina enough.” My husband (a Black American) and my Black friends from middle school have encouraged me over the years to own my Afro-Latinidad proudly because that is “who I am.” Being able to share in community about the experiences of feeling left out or not good enough, has ultimately provided a space to heal. I am grateful for the spaces I’ve had to heal.

My advice to others who may be challenged with similar issues is to not let anyone tell you what or who you are. Do some deep soul diving and see what resonates most for you. Whatever that is, that’s what it is. Today I can own being a bicultural Panamanian American Afro-Latina because that is who I am and that is what feels most right for me.

Gloria Osborne-Sheeler is a First Generation Panamanian-American licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and holistic healer who founded Glow In Therapy, Inc. providing online therapy.