Dating Myself as a First Gen Latina is More Than an Act of Self-Love

During this month of love, romance and relationships are in the air. Along with that is the reminder, especially for Latinas, of the expectation to settle down sooner rather than later. As a first generation Latina currently single, from time to time I think about the expectations placed on myself and other Latinas when it comes to something as personal as our love life. Growing up there is a notion that part of the timeline of your life should and will include marriage and family—not conforming to that is considered something, not just different but almost strange and a failure. On top of that, there is also a sense of feeling like you’re steps behind other people on track to adulthood, not reaching certain milestones can equate to failing as an adult as well as a Latina. There is so much pressure when it comes to singleness coupled with disagreements between younger and older Latinas about love in general. I am currently dating myself and flourishing in my own self-love journey, a concept that I can’t even imagine explaining to my mom or my abuelas. In a world where women are taking themselves out on solo dates, solo travel, and appreciating their alone time, dating yourself is more than just an act of self-love, it is also a way to resist the gender and cultural norms that have been ingrained in us since childhood.

Dating myself began as a way to combat the changes of being post-grad. After four years of having a space where all my friends were gathered in the same city with similar schedules, it was inevitable that the transition would be hard. Without the structure of college and everyone spread out, it was up to me to give myself the opportunity to meet new people and also get to know myself. At first it was just a couple nights where I scheduled time to watch a show I liked and prepared a special meal specifically for the occasion—to make it feel more like a typical date. It eventually became part of my routine to include space for me to enjoy my own company.

My first outing by myself was a drag show at a West Hollywood club. I was watching the first season of Drag Race: Mexico at the time and one of the contestants was performing in Los Angeles so it felt like it was the right time. It was the summer post-grad and I was in my apartment alone so if I wanted to go, I needed to venture out by myself. I got myself ready and made the journey out safely. When I arrived, I came to the realization that it was going to be a few hours before she was going to come out to perform—a complete change to the plan I had, forcing me to branch out and socialize. I eventually made friends with someone there who was also on their own and we danced together until it was time for the performance. When I think about my solo dating experience, I’ll always remember that night because everything I thought I was too shy or scared to do I somehow did.

Since then, I’ve taken numerous solo days out that include, partaking in window shopping, dining alone, walking plenty, getting coffee, and listening to music as I go about my day. When I spend time alone like this, I have a say over what I choose to do. I listen to myself and go where I feel like going, eat what I am craving, and visit places that bring me comfort. This kind of agency, even in some small ways, has strengthened my sense of self over time. I can say that I am at a point where I am my most confident and comfortable with myself that I have ever been because I have taken the time to be with myself. I feel so much more confident in who I am, what I like and what I want. I don’t feel awkward eating at a restaurant by myself or catching a viewing party of a show I love alone. I’m not scared to be out and about or take care of things without company. What I’ve learned is I’m the company I need, and I am enough.

As I ponder on this new confidence and security within myself, I also think about the women who came before me, who for one reason or another, who did not have the ability to get to know themselves in the same way or who are starting this journey later in life. With young motherhood and household responsibilities or the ingrained belief that we are selfish for taking care of ourselves, some women who came before us were not afforded the chance to date themselves or indulge in their alone time the same way. When I think about this, it reminds me that being more confident and loving myself more through these solo dates is a small way in which I am combatting gender and cultural expectations. Being single and being fine with enjoying my own company can be difficult to digest in a culture that pushes marriage and family values above a lot of other things. To exist without prioritizing something that has been pushed on us for so long is empowering and gives us permission to march to the beat of our own drum.