Embracing Being “De Aqui y De Alla” as a Mexican American

“Ni de aquí, ni de allá” — It’s a saying I’ve been familiar with for a long time, but it wasn’t until I got older that I began reflecting on how it relates to me. Both of my parents are of Mexican ethnicity, but there’s one significant difference—my mother was born in the United States and my father was born in Mexico. It’s already challenging being Mexican American and grappling with an identity that makes me feel like I’m walking a tightrope between two countries, especially when considering the ongoing border crisis. Where do I fit into this narrative? As I’m approaching 40, a new decade of my existence, I’m piecing together how this duality has shaped how I view myself.

My dad was born in Guadalajara, Mexico, and had a very humble upbringing. My grandparents were raising 10 kids, lived in a rural area, and had to work laborious jobs to support their family. There was a lot my dad went without, materialistically and emotionally. He grew up in survival mode with the mindset that life was hard and you needed to work to get by. So he decided to cross the border into the United States when he was 19. 

I believe my father’s decision to cross the border into the United States was part of that survival mode mentality. Growing up, I don’t know how many times I’ve heard my dad say something along the lines of, “Life is hard.” La vida es difícil. It would make me roll my eyes when I was younger. I didn’t want to hear it, especially as a teenager and then as a college student trying to figure out my own life. But then, as years passed, I had an epiphany. My dad’s impoverished childhood in Mexico and his experience as an immigrant in this country had given him a more harsh outlook on life, and I can’t hold that against him. 

He’s always been very realistic and matter-of-fact. I know it was important to my dad for my siblings and me to have secure employment as we got older. Whenever I would tell my dad about a job I was working, his hopes were usually that it would give me stability and security. It wasn’t about pursuing my passions or doing what made me happy; it was more so about doing what would financially support me. 

My mother is the opposite of my father, and not just because she was born on the other side of the Mexican border. My mom was born and raised in Compton, California. She grew up lower class, but I feel growing up lower class in the United States differs from Mexico. My mom dealt with definite hardships but also had more opportunities, which is why she always encouraged me to go after my dreams. She believed anything was possible because she had faith in the American dream.  

My maternal grandparents were of Mexican descent but their lineages had been in the United States for a couple of generations. One fact about my family that I am always proud to share is that my grandfather served in World War II. While wars are a horrific part of history and I wish they didn’t have to happen, I take pride that my grandfather displayed such bravery to risk his life for his country. He was drafted at 18 and committed to doing his duty as a U.S. citizen. He served and faced traumatizing situations, yet survived.

Because of that experience, my grandfather took pride in calling America his home and in being American. My mom felt the same way because she was proud of her dad and the sacrifices he made to fight for his country. But I have to admit that I don’t think I’ve ever felt true pride in being American. Since I was a child, I was fascinated by my Mexican culture and happily proclaimed my Mexican heritage. Although I’m inspired by my grandfather’s courageousness, I feel a disconnect with my American side.

This is partly due to how the U.S. hasn’t given enough recognition to people of color who have served in American wars. As minorities, our communities are typically vilified in the media when bad things happen and our contributions overlooked. It’s difficult for me to be a proud American citizen when I don’t feel this country is proud of me.

With the current Trump administration, I feel more shame than pride to be American. Mexicans and other Latinx immigrants were one of the first targets on his agenda as soon as he was sworn into presidency. While I’m grateful that my father became a naturalized citizen decades ago, I still get nervous that he’ll be profiled and harassed by ICE because his English isn’t perfect or because he looks more Indigenous.

So where does this leave me? Ni de aquí, ni de allá. 

I’ve only visited my dad’s hometown once when I was 5 years old. I have some memories of the trip, but I wasn’t old enough to appreciate the experience. It was during my elementary school years that I became really interested in my Mexican ancestry. As a kid, I would check out books at the library about Mexico until I went through whatever they had available in that section. I knew I had most of my father’s side of the family in Mexico and my mom’s side of the family here in the U.S. The two countries were so intrinsic to my upbringing. 

However, English, not Spanish, was my first language. This created a language barrier that made it challenging for me to keep in touch with my relatives in Mexico. I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t speak or understand the language that half of my family spoke. The few times my grandparents came to visit us in California, I felt disheartened that I couldn’t hold a conversation with them. But we managed to make the most of those times together, even if there weren’t many words exchanged.   

While I wasn’t fluent in Spanish, I sought other ways to connect with my Mexican roots. I took ballet folklorico and Spanish language classes in high school. Since I’ve been focusing on my spiritual growth over the past few years, I’m learning about brujeria and Mexican folk spirituality. I also did a DNA test to better understand the breakdown of my Latino ancestry. I found out that I was more than half Indigenous with connections to tribes in central Mexico. Above all, I make it a point to never lose pride in my cultural and ethnic heritage.

I don’t want it to seem that I’m not appreciative of my American side. I love the diverse city I grew up in, and Mexican American culture thrives in the Los Angeles area. It’s like having the best of both worlds. My father crossed the border to access more opportunities and he chose to raise a family in the U.S. so that his children could have the same. I’ve been fortunate to further my education at great colleges in California and pursue a career in a field I enjoy. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had being raised in the United States.

I embody equal parts of my parents and my Mexican and American sides. I inherited my dad’s hard work ethic and drive to be financially secure. But the desire to pursue my creative passions comes from my mom. I’m fortunate that I’ve found a way, at this point in my life, to do both. I know it’s important for me to find balance in being Mexican and being American. By uniting these two facets of myself, I can defy the negative stereotypes and show what it really looks like to be a proud, flourishing Mexican American. Instead of viewing myself as “ni de aquí, ni de allá,” I recognize and embrace that I’m de aquí y de allá.