Photo: Unsplash/@lumapimentel

Why I’m Terrified About Having Another Baby

Huge news around here: I’m pregnant with our second baby and it’s a GIRL!!! While I’m super excited to be adding to our family and for Luca to be a big brother, I also have to admit that I’m scared about having another child. Like, terrified even.

I know, I know. Every baby is a blessing and we wanted to add to our family. Though it happened a little bit sooner than we were originally planning, everyone is over the moon about this pregnancy. I just have so many thoughts swirling through my head about being a mom to two that I have to get off my chest.

I never knew a love like the love I have for my son existed before he was born. I know that parents are always telling their children: “You’ll never understand how much I love you until you have your own kids,” but dammit, truer words have really never been spoken. I remember calling my mom up when Luca was a newborn and just crying to her on the phone and apologizing for being such a butthead when I was a kid!

I know I will love this child, I already love her and she’s only the size of a pea pod right now, but it’s hard to imagine having that same overwhelming all-consuming feeling fill my heart again. I’m afraid that maybe, I don’t know, I won’t be as excited when she is born or something. And I don’t want her to miss out on anything! I want her to feel all the love in the universe envelope her when she comes into the world.

I’m also afraid about splitting my affection between my son and daughter. My son will be three years old when she is born. He’ll be old enough to understand that she is a baby and that she needs certain things more than he does, but he won’t be old enough to not feel like a baby himself anymore and the thought of either one of them feeling left out literally breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Finding balance also has me feeling a bit anxious. I remember what a fog I was in when Luca was born. For those first three months I did nothing but feed him, change him, put him down for naps and binge-watch Parenthood (best maternity leave show ever btw). This time around, I just won’t have the luxury of indulging in that newborn baby haze. I’ll have a toddler to take care of, and my career is totally different these days. Not to mention trying to find myself outside of the identity of just being “mom” 24/7. I know that nailing down a regular schedule is going to be key to this and that my freewheeling and flexible schedule is going to have to drastically shape up into a very predictable routine in order for both my children and myself to maintain our sanity.

But maybe the biggest thing that scares me is making sure that my husband and I stay connected. With his hectic schedule and a baby and a toddler running around, I know it’s going to take more energy than ever before to make sure that we have date nights and time to connect with each other. It may take a few months, but I really do hope we are able to figure it all out as a family.

Something that has really helped me conquer some of these fears is that I know I’m far from the first mama who has felt this way. Talking to other mamis who have been through the same thing has helped me so much and made me realize I’m not alone and that I’m not a weirdo for having these fears. They’re actually quieted rational if you ask lots of my fellow moms. So, how do you moms of two, three or more make it work in your families?