A Love Letter to the Only Daughters in Latinx Households

Marianismo, machismo, and all of the traditional ideals we’re often brought up with—or at least the versions our parents passed down after their own experiences with it—center a lot around the home. Living in a Latinx household as a girl doesn’t mean we just fulfill the role of daughter, it also means that we hold certain responsibilities and need to carry out tasks for the family. What is unspoken is that despite birth order, whether you’re the oldest or the youngest, when you’re the only girl in your family everything tends to fall to you. This letter goes out to all Latina only daughters who have had to shoulder responsibilities and caretaking roles from such a young age and now as adults reflect on how those roles made them who they are.

Querida Chingona,

Since you were little, mami always taught you the importance of knowing how to cook, clean, do the laundry and a number of chores around the house. Then these skills you’ve learned become your responsibilities at home, and not just for yourself but often for everyone in the household. Even if your siblings are able to help, it is always expected of you to be the one to step up and do the work. As you grow older, that responsibility expands into more “adult” things that you are too young and too shy for.

Your parents need a doctor’s appointment and your 8-year-old self has to make that call without knowing what a medical insurance number is. Other times you have to attend parent-teacher conferences for you and your siblings because without a translator from the school your parents would have no idea how school is going. If mami needs groceries, you’re the one to make the grocery run. If your siblings get home from school, les calientas la comida. If papi needs to get his oil changed, you go with him as his on-site translator with the mechanic. As a young girl, sometimes we believe in the idea that as the only girl in the family we’ll get the most attention and love, and while at times true, we’re also held to higher expectations and responsibilities because we’re girls.

Often, being the only daughter and a first-generation Latina clash. All the experiences you go through like translating for your parents, taking care of your siblings and being the responsible one for so long can make it a hard transition when it’s time to choose you. As college applications roll around, the possibility of moving away from family or just breaking away from some of that responsibility can be jarring. Having had that role for so long, it feels as if we’re bound to it and it’s a part of who we are. The thought of what the transition will look like is terrifying because attending college or seeking job opportunities elsewhere isn’t just a change for you, it’s a change for your entire family. The guilt of not helping your parents how you once did can be overwhelming. So much so, that you might even feel like everything will fall apart once you’re gone. That is a lot to deal with but please be assured that living your life on your own terms is not selfish and will not break your family apart. 

Querida, you deserve to take time for yourself. After spending so much time putting your family first and being a caretaker for much of your life, pursuing your dreams is more than a want, it’s a need. Remember, you DESERVE to put yourself first. I admire the strength you’ve had to shoulder responsibilities a lot of kids your age didn’t have. While at the time, it may have been hard, it has made you who you are today. As you contemplate your future, take all the time you need. Reconnect with who you are outside of the only girl in your family and learn as much as you can about yourself. You are deserving of practicing self-care and having your own solo journey.

You are truly an inspiration. As you navigate these responsibilities as you grow older, please remember that there are so many other Latinas who resonate with your story. You are seen and loved and understood by so many even if you’ve always felt alone in your struggles.

Con Mucho Amor,

Laysha