8 Questions to Ask Your Fiancé Before Getting Married

Getting engaged and planning your wedding is a time of extreme excitement. It’s also a time of stress, of course, and it’s a time to solidify your relationship. Before getting engaged, you probably already figured out if you want the same things in life, if your values align, if you trust each other, if you’re dog or cat people (or both, like me and my partner) and what your relationship deal-breakers are. You probably know the way your spouse-to-be votes and how they feel about politics and you’ve obviously met each other’s families.

Beyond all of the things you already know about your fiancé, however, is so much more. You might already be prepared to continue to learn new things about your beloved after getting married but, before that, you should probably sit down and have some important conversations. Recently, my fiancé and I sat down to do just that. After researching what questions to ask before getting married, I armed us with cookies and we settled in for an evening of talking about our long-term goals, our finances, our extended family and so much more. Here are the eight important conversations you should have with your partner before walking down the aisle.

Money Talk: How much debt do you/I have? Is my debt your debt and are you willing to bail me out? How financially compatible are we in terms of budgeting, saving money, paying off debt? What is the most you would want to spend on material goods like shoes, a car, a couch, versus experience goods like travel? Do we plan on buying a house someday and, if so, how are we going to save up and maintain our home? If there’s a financial crunch (car problems, medical bills, leaking pipes), what do we do?

This is often the most difficult conversation to have, which is precisely why it is also the most important one and the one I suggest starting out with. You’ve probably already fought over money with your partner and you might have even heard that financial problems is one of the leading causes of divorce. Well, what better way to prevent that than by discussing all of the details of your finances before tying the knot? It’s essential that both of you are completely honest with this one, in particular about how much debt you carry as individuals and as a couple. You’ll also want to discuss things like spending extra income on material goods, travel, and saving up for a new car or an eventual house (if you plan to buy one down the road).

wp_*posts

Personal Stuff: What is your relationship to drugs, alcohol, and gambling? Who needs more free and alone time, and is that okay? How do we individually and collectively handle stress and anxiety, how do we deal with it as individuals and as a couple? How stuck are we in each of our jobs, and what would happen if we got fired or wanted to leave? How ambitious are you and are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition? How important is upkeep of physical appearance? Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Keeping your individual identity is important to many couples, and one of the top reasons why these days most of us choose to marry later in life. I wanted to know who I was as a person, as an individual, as a career woman, before I found myself being tied to another human being. It’s important for both of us to understand each other’s personal quirks, our ambition levels, and how the other feels about maintaining things like health and our relationship to potential addictive substances such as alcohol and drugs. It’s not so much important that you completely agree on all of these topics, but rather that you are aware of each other’s differences (and similarities) and accept them all the same. You don’t want to be in a situation where you’re fighting constantly years down the road because you never told your partner that his hard partying ways always kind of bugged you.

wp_*posts

Socializing: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

While this may be a shorter conversation than the rest, it’s important to agree on socializing as a couple. Whatever it may look like for you when you were single, things are different now. For me, learning to socialize while in love with an introvert can be tricky. Since falling in love with my partner, I have learned that we have different needs when it comes to our alone time and socializing time. It’s important that you respect your partner’s needs and that they respect yours. Perhaps you match in how much socializing you do or don’t want to do, and that’s great. But if you’re not quite on the same page, it’s good to get all of this out in the open before that ring. This is likely a conversation that you will need to have over and over again as new things come up, life changes, etc.

wp_*posts

Our Home: How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all? What about birthdays? Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward? How should household chores be divided? What’s our expectation about where to live geographically?

Creating a home together is one of the best things of finally “settling down,” so to speak. It doesn’t mean that you are settling for anything in particular, but rather that you have a bit more stability than before (if that’s what you want, anyway). Discussing things like how to handle religion, holidays and birthdays is a good way to start. But you should also figure out who handles the food, cooking and chores of the house. It’s fine if it’s just one of you or if you divide things evenly, just so long as both of you are happy with whatever arrangement you have. For me, I love cooking and so I feel completely comfortable handling all of the food shopping and meal prep. The clean-up, however, is a whole different story…

wp_*posts

Extended Family: Do we like each other’s parents? What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often? How do we handle family dynamics and conflicts? Our parents are getting old, what do we do?

Here is where things get tricky. Another big reason for divorce is arguing over family matters. When my partner and I had this conversation, I made things clear: “I want us to stay out of family drama as much as possible but, when and if it happens, we have to be on the same side, always.” This meant that, if my future spouse and my dad have an argument (for instance), I will always side with my spouse, no matter what. I know how difficult that might be, especially in a Latino family, but it’s important to me that my partner knows I am on his side and, in the case that I might disagree with him, I can let him know privately that I think my dad might be in the right. But when it comes to the way we talk to family, it’s me-and-him, as partners, as one unit. There’s nothing worse than family strife and it’s particularly bad when it seeps into home.

wp_*posts

Our Family: If we have an accidental pregnancy, what do we do? Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers? How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

A huge topic that you should discuss probably well before even getting engaged is whether or not you plan to have children. It can be a scary topic to bring up, sure, but I am constantly shocked by the amount of stories I hear of a couple who were incredibly happy up until the point that one of them was “ready for kids” and the other said that this is the last thing they would ever want. Um, what? There’s simply no way to get around this topic, so have this conversation and have it early. Although my fiancé and I are several years away from having kids, it’s good to know that we agree on their (eventual) importance in our lives. It also gives us both something to look forward to and, scarily enough, something to figure out when the time comes. You don’t have to be in a rush to have babies the minute your honeymoon starts, but knowing when and if this is an option for you is certainly important.

wp_*posts

Relationship: Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us? Do you accept my baggage? Can you deal with my doing things without you? How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography okay? How important is sex to you and how often will we have sex? What happens if we fall off that plan?

You’ve probably already talked about your relationship a lot by the time you get engaged, and that’s great. However, there still might be some things that are missing from how you view yourselves as a couple — such as a frank conversation about sex and its importance in both of your lives. The other biggie is about pornography and masturbation. Are you okay if your partner takes solo flights? If not, why not and how can you come to some sort of compromise about this? Furthermore, discuss what happens if one of you should flirt (whether by accident or on purpose) with someone else. If you’re a natural flirt like me, then you may know that deep down it is completely harmless and meaningless but your partner needs to be aware of that too. You don’t want to end up fighting over jealousy issues every time you smile at another person.

wp_*posts

Long-Term Commitment: What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves? What are you willing to give up? Unwilling to give up? Does one of you hate something that the other one loves? If one of us cheats, what is the outcome? How will we deal with a break in trust? How do you feel about couples therapy? Do you know all the ways I say “I love you?” Do you feel mentally and emotionally supported? Are we both growing emotionally and psychologically? What does marriage mean to you? How do you see us 10 years from now?

Although all of the questions on this list are about how to handle a long-term commitment, the last conversation you have is possibly going to be the most painful. Although discussing what you each admire about yourselves and your pet peeves might not be so bad, and talking about the five love languages and the 10-year-plan can even be fun, the question that can be tricky here is the one about cheating. Taking a cue from relationship and sex advice columnist Dan Savage, it’s important to discuss what happens if one of you breaks the rules of monogamy (assuming you’re a monogamous couple). This was extremely difficult for myself and my partner to discuss, but we came to a good conclusion that I believe strengthened our bond as a couple. Is it always going to be easy? No, of course not. But by talking about the potentially difficult and tricky things in your relationship, you have a better chance of setting yourself up for long-term success.
[tps_footer][article_ad][/tps_footer]