5 Women Explain Why They Chose Not to Shed for the Wedding

I had been engaged for about a week and was swiping in at my gym, when a personal trainer lingering nearby spotted my engagement ring. He started small talk asking me when I was getting married and then presumptuously said that I must be hitting the gym to “tighten up” for my wedding. I was at a loss of words and a bit offended that he automatically assumed that I was only there because I was looking to change my body for my wedding day.  I hadn’t even offered him any details that would’ve hinted at that either.

I had some choice words to say to him, but instead I hastily responded, ”No, I’m already a regular gym-goer and I’m more about maintaining. Thanks,” and walked away. Had he properly asked me what my fitness goals were, he’d learn that they’re more athletically driven instead of aesthetically focused. He would’ve also learned that I wasn’t planning on changing my body for my wedding day, because overall I’m happy with the way I look and already maintain a healthy lifestyle. Plus, I want my husband, friends, and family to be able to recognize me when I walk down the aisle.

Full disclosure: I have nothing against women who aim to lose weight or get in better shape for their wedding day. If you want to establish a healthier lifestyle and your wedding is what motivates you, then so be it.  What I’m against is this idea that’s been placed on women that they should consider changing how they look for their big day. Plus, the fact that society has been conditioned to assume this idea is the norm, and guilt trips them if they don’t follow through. Let’s be honest, how often do you hear someone ask a man if he’s shedding for the wedding or another variation of that? While I’m sure there are men out there that are, it’s not expected of them to do so, therefore the pressure isn’t placed as heavily on them.

Luckily, I found several other ladies who chose NOT to shed for their weddings and shared similar outlooks on the matter. Check out their stories and if you’re a bride-to-be get ready to be inspired!  

Tatiana A.  

On why she chose to not shed for the wedding: I never thought I needed to change my appearance for anyone (other than myself). The idea that some people need to “look” a certain way for pictures or a garment instead of an overall healthy goal, is a bit jarring to me. To be honest, I don’t judge anyone that decides to change their look or lose weight for a wedding. Trust me, I understand the need/want to look or feel a certain way. I just know that my partner loved me exactly how I was when we dated, how I’ve changed with time, and how I looked when he proposed. The last thing I wanted was for a “different” woman to be present during the planning process, on my wedding day and in my pictures. Last but not least, my partner wasn’t expected to change… so why should I? 

On if she felt pressured to change by others: I had some family members talk about “toning” up, but many people mostly admired how I wanted to stay true to who I was/am. It also helped that my dress had a low illusion back, so I couldn’t wear the typical shapewear. I had to be happy in my dress at the time of purchase, regardless of my weight.

On other beauty standard pressures: I have curly hair. Every time I explained that I preferred to wear my natural hair, I was told that it wasn’t bridal. I’m only a bride for one day. I’m myself for every other day. Being ME includes my curly hair.

On if she regretted not shedding for the wedding: With everything else you deal with planning a wedding, I’m happy I did not have the added pressure or stress of losing weight. At the end of the day, the union with you and your partner is what’s most important. 

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Cassandra Pandi-Smith

On why she chose to not shed for the wedding:  I did try to eat exceptionally well starting in January 2017, before my wedding in August of 2017 but I did not work out much or at all. I lost five to 10 pounds before the wedding but that was because of working 12+ hours a day and being under a lot of stress. I really didn’t lose any weight from eating well but I did feel healthier. The reason I didn’t want to do an extreme diet and fitness routine was A) I didn’t have time with my hectic job as an event planner and B) I didn’t want to look incredibly different than how everyone in my life has always known me, plus I kind of have always been decently confident about my body.

On if she felt pressured to change by others: Colleagues would often comment on what I was eating or tell me not to have sweets if they saw me having them. That just felt a bit rude and intrusive.

On her body image and how she remains positive: I think I have a pretty confident body image. I 100% know everyone has a different body type because of genetics and lifestyle. Personally, I take after my mom with wide hips and a small waist and chest but I like it and she’s always given me a good outlook on health and self-confidence. I think a “pear-shape” is a beautiful thing and I wouldn’t want to be any other way. I always feel better when I eat healthy but I don’t particularly get down on myself if I gain a little weight.

On how women can fight the stigma of perfection: I think the media will always want to sell us things because capitalism is how the world goes ’round, but I think what’s more important is our family influence. If your parents and siblings can be positive and not critical, I can see how that would give you a confident start to go out into the world and not care what future boyfriends or sorority sisters, etc. think about body types.

On if she regretted not shedding for the wedding: I do not regret not shedding for the wedding. I felt perfectly confident during my wedding weekend and on my honeymoon. I even had Polaroid photos of the weekend in my bikini with my cellulite and stomach rolls but I in no way felt ugly that weekend, I was super full of love and just having so much fun I didn’t care.

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Tonya Russell

On why she chose not to shed for the wedding: Part of my reasoning for not getting into shape for my wedding is that I’m already where I want to be. I am a size 2 (so no shedding), but even still, I’ve created fitness goals that aren’t related to my appearance. I wanted to get back into running races, and I’m steadily shaving time off of my pace. I wanted to be able to do pull ups, and I can do 10. I can always be faster, stronger, more toned, but as far as a counting down to wearing a dress for one day? No thanks. 

On if she’s felt pressured to change by others: I’ve had older relatives encourage me to gain, implying that appealing to my fiancé is more important than exercise. “When are you going to stop exercising so you can gain weight for your fiancé?” I’ve had to tell people that my body is my own, and I shape it to make myself happy. And it’s a bonus that he loves bragging about my abilities.

On her body image and how she remains positive: I’m insecure like the next person, so I do see ways I can improve myself. One thing that does make me feel more comfortable in my skin is setting goals outside of those that affect my physical appearance. For instance, in March I hiked Koko Crater Head in Hawaii, and it was pretty tough. When I reached the top, I thanked my body for its strength and resilience when my mind wanted to quit. 

On how she fights stigmas tied to women’s appearances: Recently, I saw an older male relative, and the first thing he did was say that I was looking skinny. He wasn’t insulting me, but he was trying to make conversation. I asked him why he couldn’t ask me about my health, career, or my heart. Things got awkward, but maybe next time he’ll think twice before he immediately launches into appearance.

On if she regrets her decision to not change for her wedding: Society gives us enough crap, and wedding planning is tough enough. Your wedding is one day, your marriage is supposed to last, so work on being better mentally, spiritually, and emotionally for your partner. 

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Erica Manney

On why she chose not to shed for the wedding: I have been fighting with my weight my whole life, and with a lot of the other stuff I had going on (a bad job I was trying to leave, the sudden death of my father), I just didn’t want to add on the stress of trying to win a lifelong battle in an otherwise stressful year. And I was really inspired by a lot of the body positive blogs, including Offbeat Bride. Looking at all the other beautiful plus size brides made me feel like “f— it, this is who I am.”

On if she felt pressure to change by others: It was more like everyone just assumed I would be trying. Dress consultants offered to make things a little more snug, a personal trainer I was already seeing was pushing me to work harder “for the wedding.” But I also think when you are already heavy/obese, people always just assume you are trying to lose weight OR they are terrified to discuss weight in general. So, it was more an assumptive pressure than outright?

On her wedding prep horror story: I had this job that I hated, and part of the reason I hated it was my horrible boss, Allison. Allison clearly had own issues with disordered eating. We worked in employee communications in a hospital, and we were running a system-wide walking challenge for all the employees and she used my wedding as an excuse to do the following horrifying things: For example, she would make me go on walking meetings with her, in a full suit and would yell at me to pump my arms. Then she would calorie count all of my food whenever she made me have lunch with her. I had to repeatedly ask her to stop. She would also do this with whatever snacks she’d ask to take from me, and then be annoyed I had such high calorie snacks. Finally, at my company bridal shower she LITERALLY snatched a slice of cake from me and told the room full of co-workers that I wasn’t allowed to eat it because I had to fit into my wedding dress.

On how women can fight stigmas of perfection: We can stop the normalization of hating our bodies. We can stop “bonding” over food being unhealthy, or asking each other if we look fat all the time, or call ourselves cows. I think that surrounding myself with images of beauty and bodies that look like my own have been helpful. We need to speak to ourselves the way we’d speak to a best friend. We’d never let anyone call our best friend gross or disgusting. Why do we let ourselves speak to … ourselves that way?

On if she regrets not shedding for the wedding: I have no regrets. I got married five years ago, and I really loved how I felt that day, and how I looked. And honestly, I always kind of wonder — for women who lost a lot of weight, and then gain a good chunk of it back after the intense focus of weight loss for a wedding — do they always look at their wedding pictures and feel bad about themselves for not being able to maintain that “ideal”? I don’t want to spend my entire life trying to “get back to my wedding weight.” I just look back and see a happy, beautiful woman in love with the man who loved her for what she looked like on that day, and almost a decade before that day, and all the days since.

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Irina Gonzalez

On why she decided not to shed for the wedding: One of the biggest things that I wanted when thinking about my wedding is that I wanted to “look like myself.” I didn’t want to look back one day at my wedding photos and basically not recognize myself. This kind of thinking led me to decide on various things, from the dress I bought to the hair/makeup I wanted. This came through in my decision not to exercise or change the way I look… First of all, I am comfortable in my body. I will admit that I am at a weight that I am happy with and had actually lost about 20 pounds since meeting my husband (primarily because I went vegetarian, as he is, shortly after we met). But mostly, I thought that losing weight just for my wedding was silly. If I needed to lose weight for health reasons, then I should have done it for that… but for vanity’s sake? No thanks.

On if she felt pressure to change herself for the wedding:  I didn’t feel pressure, but that’s because I didn’t have a very traditional wedding probably. I bought my dress on sale at Unique Vintage (and LOVE it, btw!) and I didn’t have any bridesmaids or bridesmen or anything like that. I did read some stuff about having long hair and how it’s SO important, but I didn’t personally feel that pressure. In fact, I chopped my hair off before my wedding and felt GREAT about it!

On how women can fight the stigmas of perfection: I think a sure-fire way to fight all this BS is simply to ignore it. That was what I did throughout my wedding planning, and what I continue to do. I try to focus on the things that I want and not what others are telling me I should want, like losing weight for my wedding or growing my hair long. I think it’s totally fine to want to look GOOD for your wedding, but the focus that it has to be a perfect day is part of what’s causing this problem. I would love to see a world where we don’t put SO MUCH pressure on the wedding day to be this ideal, fairytale affair. It should be nice and lovely and great, of course, BUT it shouldn’t be something that drives you crazy for a year.

On if she regrets not shedding for the wedding: I 100% do not regret my decision to not “shed” for the wedding and stand by the choices I made. I looked the way I wanted to look, and got plenty of compliments. In the end, I wasn’t miserable the way I know other girlfriends have been just before their wedding–and that’s what really counted for me. I was able to enter my marriage happily, satisfied with my body, and not driving myself or anyone around me (ahem, hubby!) crazy because of someone else’s outer expectations. 

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