I’m 17 years old, and I feel like I’m having a midlife crisis.
Just recently, I wrote my blog about becoming a senior in high school. While I thought that this year was going to be a lot more emotional and tear-jerking, it’s just been stressful. While I thought it would bring me closer to achieving my life’s goals; it has made me more afraid of growing up than ever before.
I’ve always been told that I was a lot more mature than most people my age. Though I took it as a compliment, I still worked hard building my future in my mind and set certain expectations for myself as I reached my senior year. I’ve always been very hard-working and I’ve never encountered a moment in my life where I felt like I was not capable of doing something that I wanted to do. So, I’ve continued to work, and create, because that’s what mature people do. I haven’t done anything to impress anyone or to please anyone with my career choices. Everything I’ve done is because it’s something I love to do! I’ve been building up on the thought that I am mature, and that the adult-world is ready for me, and I’m ready to dive in. Maybe.
A couple of days ago, my classmates and I engaged in a conversation about what where we’d be in 10-15 years when we meet again at our class reunion. It started off fun, then we all started doubting ourselves. Personally, and as selfish as it may sound, I’ve always felt like I was going to succeed. I’ve always thought that the gobs of work and accomplishments on my resume were enough to get me through, and my good grades were going to be enough to prove my intelligence; but in the pit of my stomach I felt an unbearable pain, and I could feel the knot in my throat tightening with every thought that crossed my mind. I’m not ready. Being the most mature, most hardworking, or advanced, didn’t matter anymore. It finally caught up with me. I’ve been in a High School bubble these last 4 years and although my experiences have taught me both pain and true happiness, I don’t feel like I’m ready to enter this world alone.
I had always flaunted my independence and I’ve made it a point to prove to others that I could get by alone, but now the thought of it is frightening, and I truly cannot see life beyond my diploma. I’ve been throwing around “when I do this” or “when I’m older I’ll do that!”but now I realize I’ve been delusional, thinking I was going to be a lot more mature than I see myself right now. And although I hate to sound pessimistic, and my written pieces are full of wisdom and positivity, I allow myself to be afraid and I allow myself to be anxious. And then I breathe because I know that all in all, in 10 years, I’ll be wherever the universe feels I belong. So, what can I do for now? Or what can we do for now (for all my fellow friends who are also having an existential crisis)? We can take into consideration that whatever might have been a hassle years ago, has become just puzzles of the past, keys to our wisdom, and knowledge. So, if what tormented us then, is just a faint lesson life taught us today, then why dwell? As a wise tweet once told me: “If it won’t matter in 5 years, it’s not worth your worry.”