Society puts a hell of a lot of pressure on perfecting our bedroom behavior. Magazines tell us to try “10 Amazing Sex Positions Right now,” lingerie takes over our televisions every December to showcase models wearing twenty-pound angel wings. With songs that tell us to “Superman Dat Hoe” and our own parents asking for a million grandbabies by tomorrow, it’s a never-ending stream of commentary — both welcome and unsolicited — about how our life should be between the sheets.
And for what? Are we a culture that’s constantly in need of reminders to have great sex? Or is there another theme at work here — a slightly darker energetic theme running in the subconscious of our culture. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if this little phrase has anything to do with this overt messaging: “Please your man now or another woman will later.”
Mmhmm. Did your jaw just get tight reading that? Because mine did while I typed it. A cautionary, every advice we’ve heard a thousand times before, like looking both ways before we cross the street, women have been warned repeatedly to meet their man’s sexual needs in the bedroom — lest his disappointment cause him to wander.
It was the theme behind one of the best films of all time — Chasing Papi. Steve did it to Miranda in Sex and the City 2 (don’t even get me started). We sang about almost stealing another’s man with Pussycat Dolls in “Don’t Cha.” And instantly forgave Lorde for being the other woman in her music video “Magnets.” And none of said a damn thing about Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend,” because the beat is so friggen good, despite her helping a man cheat.
Oh, it’s so there, in every unsuspecting corner of our life — that narrative to perform in bed or else! Luckily, as the #metoo movement continues to explore the myriad of patriarchal systems ruining relationships, more women are beginning to look carefully at the quality of love in their relationships. They are demanding the mutual respect they deserve and leaving behind the partners who are too immature to reach that bar.
One way they are searching for that respect? By holding it down in the sheets with these eight bedroom truths leading the conversation. Check it out!
Have sex when you wanna have sex.
Point. Blank. Period. If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to. Your infinite soul is under no obligation to bang one out for your partner every time the moment strikes them. It’s your body and it’s 100 percent your choice when you chose to share it — or not. A great partner will respect your body and wishes. Any other type of partner you just don’t need.
You don’t have to fake orgasms.
You deserve to climax every single time you have sex! Faking that teaches your partner nothing. So what if their left-hand gets tired — use the right one! Or an elbow! Or a medical grade silicone dildo — it don’t matter! When your partner understands you have an expectation to be pleasured, you give yourself the opportunity to feel someone meeting your needs. Even if you’ve been faking it for years — you can always stop, say your body isn’t climaxing the same way it used to, blame old age and ask for more fun, exploration! You absolutely deserve it!
You don’t have to have a threeway.
If bringing in another partner makes you feel uncomfortable, put your foot down and say NO. If your partner can’t shut up about it, DM them the number of your therapist — or prepare yourself to just let them go. There are plenty of people out there who would want to be in a monogamous relationship with you. (And to be clear: open relationships can totally be successful for people. But that’s usually when both partners want to be in them— vs one person being dragged into a situation that makes their partner happy, but hurts their heart as well.) Stick to your guns.
You ain’t gotta shave a G’damn thing.
Stubs. Bald. Waxed or free growing. If your partner mentions your stub, thank them for spewing even more patriarchal nonsense into your day. Then let him know your feminist ass will not be doing anything about your body hair until you damn well feel like it. You’re beautiful, smart and talented, and any partner is blessed to be graced (and scratched) by your leg hair. Shave it when it’s good for you, and watch a real man’s love for you only grow in the light of your self-confidence.
You never need to suck your belly in.
Being naked is already such a vulnerable thing — so why add more shame to the equation? If they are boning you, they are loving you. And one thing that’s always sexier than a flat tummy is pure confidence. Show that you love you, and your partner will only get even more turned on by all your curves.
You can stop turning off the lights.
Low lights are sexy, but hiding in the dark is an old, transparent way to say I don’t like how I look naked. Nah. He better like the way you look naked, or else why is he wasting your time? Get up out of here, son! Real men ready for love scoop cellulite in their mouths like it’s peanut butter. Smack that lamp on and see the real partner you’re working with!
You don’t need to make him like you.
Sex can be a powerful tool to hook a man — until it isn’t. Social conditioning tells us that we can keep him closer with amazing bedroom moves. But if he isn’t that into you, there are no amount of moves that could make him suddenly monogamous, committed and wildly in love with you until death do you part. If he can’t get your sense of humor, or deal with your thousandaire-dollar financial status, then he doesn’t deserve you — or your sex.
You can skip wearing expensive lingerie if you hate it.
Lingerie shopping can be about as fun as trying on bikinis after Thanksgiving dinner. No matter your dress size — we are all subject to making several fitting room trips, leaving dozens of misfitting lacy items behind while swearing off carbs forever.
So what’s the alternative? Just try sticking to what you love. A pair of high-wasted Haines look sexy as hell on a woman who’s confidently wearing them. Idea two — commando is always free and easy to do! Nothing says let’s get this party started like having zero obstacles in the way. The goal here is to rise to the occasion of sex — not squeeze into the lingerie that makes your partner super happy (and you feeling uncomfortable.)