Choosing to be Child-Free as a Latina Required Unlearning Marianismo

The stereotype is that Latinxs come from big families, have lots of kids, and that teen pregnancies are common among Latinas. These assumptions are frustrating and harmful, especially for young Latinas who are trying to navigate the paths they want to take. When I was younger, I was confused about whether or not I wanted to have kids at some point in my life. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the confusion stemmed from the belief that, as a Latina, I should want to be a mother. And I’m not alone in that feeling. Pew Research published a study in 2024 focused on pressures Latinas experience. According to the study, an estimated 56 percent of Latinas expressed they feel pressured to get married and have children. It makes me wonder how we can feel more comfortable with our decisions to not have a family of our own and not feel less than.    

I happen to come from a sizable family. My paternal grandparents in Mexico had 12 kids but unfortunately lost two as babies. My mom, who comes from a Mexican American familia, is one of seven children. Of course, my grandparents lived during a time when birth control was not widely accessible or promoted and it was common to have large families. I also think my abuelas felt it was only natural and necessary that motherhood was their calling as women. They were born between the 1920s and 1930s, so what more did Latinas during the early 20th century believe they could aspire to? I doubt they gave much thought to their dreams and goals.

I’m one of four kids. My immediate family isn’t huge, but I’ve always considered it medium-sized or average. I’ll admit there was a time when I thought I wanted to have children, to experience pregnancy, and be a mom. My mother has told me many times how she loved being pregnant and would do it all over again if she could. Interestingly, she never made me feel like I should want to have kids. My mom encouraged me to focus on my aspirations instead of nagging me about when I wanted to settle down. While my mom grew up in a generation that still emphasized that the duty of a woman and Latina was to bear children, she wanted her daughters to know it didn’t have to be a priority if it’s not what we wanted.

I knew I wanted to go off to college and be more independent. This goal was all the more important to me because I would be the first in my family to pursue a higher education. Suffice it to say, children definitely did not factor into that plan. I took birth control seriously and went on the pill during my 20s. I didn’t allow my Catholic upbringing to make me feel as if I was sinning for doing so. However, we know as women that our biological clock is always ticking. As I went from being in my early 20s to my mid-20s, I questioned whether it was time to really sit down and decide if I was planning to have children. It made me nervous to think that I was becoming less fertile with each passing birthday.

I’ve been with the person who is now my husband for more than 20 years, so the topic of kids was a discussion that would come up every few years. There was a time when I thought I genuinely wanted to start a family. Even before we were married, my husband’s parents would ask when we were going to give them a grandbaby. I would laugh it off, but inside I was confused and didn’t know how to answer the question. Then, as a couple, we decided on age 27 to start trying. Why 27, I have no idea, but it sounded good to us at the time. 

But when I was around 25 years old, I started playing with the idea of going back to school to get my Master’s degree. I wasn’t happy with where my career was headed and knew I needed to make a change. I applied and started the program at 26. My husband also had goals he was focused on with his job, so 27 began looking less appealing to consider getting pregnant. It was around this time that I started reflecting on why I really wanted to have kids. For years, I would go back and forth between thinking I was ready for children and not wanting any.

There’s a memory I have that makes me sad and angry and that was always in the back of my mind when I debated if having a child was right for me. I was in my early 20s and visiting the doctor. There was another person there who was also Latina and looked a few years younger than me. As I was waiting to be seen, I overheard two nurses talk about the other patient after she left. One of them made a comment along the lines of, “Well, it’s common among them to get pregnant young.” I knew exactly what they were implying and looked at them. When they realized I heard their conversation and that I was Latina, they became silent and walked away. I regret not speaking up, but I was at a loss for words. Did people assume that because of my ethnic background, I was destined to become a young mom?

Over the years, I got mixed reactions when I would admit that I didn’t think I wanted to have kids. I’ve been asked who will take care of me as I get older if I don’t have children. A former coworker even said she thought my reasons for not wanting kids were selfish. She was also Latina. Later, I found out she was having a difficult time getting pregnant and knew her comment stemmed from a place of anxiety that had nothing to do with me.                     

As I entered my 30s, I was becoming more certain that I didn’t want to have children and not only that, I don’t think I ever really wanted kids. The moments when I considered becoming a mother were more rooted in fear that I’d regret not doing it. As Latinas, we bear the weight that we should want to have kids and that it’s just what we do. But we’re not crazy for not chasing motherhood. It’s a beautiful experience for those who desire it, but if you don’t, that’s okay. A few years ago, my husband and I came to the conclusion that we didn’t want kids and we both feel very good about that choice.

The child I’m choosing to take care of is myself, my inner child. I’m not worried that I’ll be miserable or alone because I chose not to have hijos of my own. I continue to work through the stereotypes and pressures I face as a Latina who has made the decision to be childless. Instead of feeling ashamed, I take pride in putting myself first. After all, our existence as Latinas is significant, whether we choose to become mothers or not.