How Latinas Can Let Go of Shame to Heal from Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse in the Latinx community is more pervasive than we are usually willing to talk about. This silence leaves Latina survivors to navigate the complicated impacts of sexual violence alone. Research studies show that sexual abuse, assault, and harassment are common experiences for women in the United States. 81 percent of women in the U.S. report experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime. For Latinas, 1 in 5 reported being raped in their lifetime and 1 in 3 reported experiencing unwanted sexual contact. One study on childhood sexual abuse (CSA) among Latinas found that the average age Latinas experienced CSA was at only 11 years old. If you have experienced sexual abuse or violence, you are not alone. It was not your fault, and you are not damaged.

A Culture of Silence

The sexual abuse we Latinas experience often occurs in secrecy. We are less likely to report or disclose incidents of sexual violence compared to women of other ethnicities. This is something Puerto Rican social work researcher Elithet Silva-Martínez calls “El Silencio”. There are many factors that contribute to this silence. One major contributor is that perpetrators tend to be family members, intimate partners, or acquaintances more often than strangers. Our close family ties and obligations can keep us from speaking up. Sometimes we fear we will bring shame to our family, or we fear we will not be believed. For some, strong family values of respect can lead us to wanting to protect the abuser. Another reason is in our culture we are often taught that sex is a taboo or shameful topic and that speaking about it should be avoided completely. For some, being raised to value purity or virginity can lead to silence, because we do not want to be seen or labeled as damaged or less than. All of these factors mean for many Latinas no one educates us about abuse including what it is and what to do if it happens.

Understanding Toxic Shame

Experiences of sexual abuse and assault can harm us physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. One significant outcome of sexual abuse and/or assault for Latinas is to feel toxic shame. Especially because shame thrives in cultures of silence.

The emotion of shame can serve a purpose. It can help us to regulate our behavior so as not to harm others. Shame can signal us when we might do or have done wrong giving us a chance to change course or to take accountability. Shame is one of the most painful emotions a person can experience so we take great care to avoid actions that cause us to feel ashamed. However, a survivor of sexual abuse who feels shame is experiencing emotional confusion and a toxic form of shame. Survivors of sexual abuse feel shame because something shameful was done to them, and not because of their own actions. This shame isn’t ours to carry. The abuser is the person who deserves to be ashamed, not the victim.

When a survivor of sexual abuse struggles to heal from shame it becomes toxic shame.
Toxic shame is more than a painful emotion. It becomes a state of being, and one that is difficult to escape from. A person experiencing toxic shame may feel a strong and persistent belief that they are bad, damaged, or worthless due to the abuse they have endured. They project the painful emotions from being abused inward onto themselves, and often struggle with low self-esteem, self-blame, and harsh inner criticism. Toxic shame leads many to withdraw from relationships and connection with others, because we fear others will reject us when they realize how flawed or defective we are. Toxic shame can feel like a shame attack when it is triggered resulting in sudden severe emotional pain and distress.

Toxic shame also impacts the way we understand our abuse. A victim may craft a narrative as to why the abuse was their fault, and they deserve shame and blame. Survivors say things like “I shouldn’t have led them on” or “I should have said no” or “I should have fought back” or “I should have known this would happen.” But trust me that none of the many reasons survivors come to as to why it was their fault they were abused ever hold up under closer examination. No matter how many reasons or excuses you craft in your mind, it was not your fault that you were victimized.

Toxic shame serves no helpful function and instead punishes a survivor with a relentless inner cycle of shame and blame. It is a great injustice that so many survivors of sexual trauma live with toxic shame, because this shame bleeds out and affects multiple areas of their lives. How can one live healthy and well when deep down they believe they are bad and undeserving? They can’t. But releasing toxic shame can bring about healing and create a pathway towards healthier living.

Healing from Toxic Shame

Healing from toxic shame takes time, but it is possible. It first requires that we break the silence common in our culture around our experiences of sexual abuse and violence. Ann Voskamp once said “shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces.” The first step to healing from toxic shame resulting from sexual abuse is to admit what has happened. Just speaking up about shame inducing experiences can help to reduce the intensity of toxic shame. Even if that first means simply admitting it to yourself. It is a powerful healing act to release the denial or self-blame we may hold around our experiences, and to say “I was abused (or assaulted, raped, or harassed), and it was wrong.” This act can bring incredible relief.

Next you must accept that the abuse was not your fault, and this is not your shame to carry. Remember that you are not responsible for or in control of the actions of others. Only the abuser is responsible for their actions, even if they themselves told you it was your fault, and even if others have blamed you. When toxic shame takes you over, remind yourself “This shame is not mine. I am not bad. I am not shameful.” Learn to use rituals to cleanse yourself of the shame you carry. Our ancestors used sacred tools like limpias, herbal baths, and sweat ceremonies as a way to tend to the spirit and release that which weighs us down. For instructions on different cleansing rituals and practices a guide like Voice From the Ancestors can help.

A simple beginning practice can look like the following. When you feel shame take over try standing with your feet bare on the earth, and take a moment to notice where in your body you are carrying the shame. Begin to rub your hands together to build heat and energy for a minute or so. Next use your hands to wipe your body in a brisk downward motion taking special care to tend to the areas holding shame. You can say things like “The abuse was not my fault. I release this shame.” Allow the earth to take away that which pains you. Give it to the earth. With each stroke of the body allow the shame to release. Imagine the shame leaving your body. Your intuition will tell you when you are done with the practice, and you can return to it as often as needed. After you are done, wrap yourself in a blanket to seal in your energy and allow yourself to rest. Give thanks to the earth and the ancestors for taking your shame. Remind yourself “I am sacred, my body is sacred, I reclaim my goodness.”

We also heal from toxic shame when we pursue connections with others and allow ourselves to be cared for by our community. Toxic shame lies to us and tells us that if we tell what happened we will be blamed, rejected, or ostracized. Speaking our truth, especially with other mujeres who have had similar experiences, relieves us from the pain of this lie. When we receive support, acceptance, or validation about our experiences, toxic shame begins to weaken. Many Latinas find talking circles with other mujeres to be powerful healing experiences. Others find support groups focused on sexual assault, or working with a sexual assault counselor or trauma-informed therapist to also be healing.

Lastly, learn to practice gentle self-compassion and self-nurture. When we live with toxic shame we often believe we aren’t deserving of love or kindness making it difficult to receive this from others or from our own self. Engaging in gentle acts of self-care and kindness can change the relationship we have with ourselves. Acts such as drinking enough water, regular movement, or even cooking our abuela’s caldo recipe can be healing when they are done with the intention of practicing self-nurture and love. If we can receive this kindness from ourselves, we become more able to accept our worthiness. Even if we don’t feel like we deserve it in the beginning we can remind ourselves “I am learning to honor myself and my needs. It is okay if it doesn’t feel comfortable yet. This is new.” With repetition and practice it can get easier, and eventually open a pathway to showing ourselves increased love and care.

Healing from sexual violence and toxic shame is possible, and you are worthy and deserving of this healing. If you need help or someone to speak to the National Sexual Assault hotline is available 24/ 7 at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or via chat at hotline.rainn.org.

Vanessa Pezo is a licensed trauma therapist who approaches her work through social justice informed lens.