If you grew up in a Latino household, then there’s a big chance that you never, ever discussed sex at home. From mami and papi ignoring the “birds and the bees” talk to simply pretending like sex isn’t a completely normal part of a relationship, many of us grow up not really being able to talk to our parents as we hit puberty and sexual feelings develop. Because of this, many women do not know what an orgasm is or how to go about getting one once they are an adult.
Although there is conflicting information about how many women actually fake their orgasms, a new study found that 20% of women have faked it with a one-night stand, 29% have faked it in while in a new relationship and 31% have faked it once in a longterm relationship, according to Esquire. And what’s worse, according to a study reported by NBC News, 80% of women still use their voices (screaming “yesyesyes!” and the like) even when they were unable to have an orgasm. No wonder both men and women are confused about how often (and if) a woman has an actual orgasm or not.
The good news, ladies, is that there IS something that you can do in order to make sure that you achieve the Big O during sex — and maybe even have a better orgasm than ever before. According to a study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, one of the best ways to increase your potential for an orgasm is to ask for what you want in bed. Researchers found that, out of the 52,000 men and women across sexual orientations who were interviewed for the study, those who asked for what they wanted in the sack had more frequent orgasms. The chances of an orgasm also increased when couples swapped flirty calls, emails, and texts about what they wanted to do to each other later. Seems like there’s no time like the present to try sexting…
Another thing that you can do in order to increase your chances of an orgasm is to increase the “love drug” oxytocin, according to a study in the journal Hormones and Behavior. How do you do this? Well, a key may be to increase foreplay and bonding activities such as cuddling, hugging, and kissing before sex. And don’t be afraid to delay gratification, since “edging” (building up to an orgasm and then stopping just before climax) can encourage better, stronger orgasms. “The longer the arousal buildup, the bigger the explosion,” said sex educator Dorian Solot told Health.
But all of this only works if you already know what gets you off. If you’re not sure how to reach orgasm in the first place or how to communicate your sexual needs with your partner, start there. Take some time to learn your body by masturbating. Yes, masturbating. If you have never done it before, then this might be one reason why you have trouble reaching orgasm with a partner. After all, you can’t expect them to magically know your body if you don’t know it yourself.
And don’t worry, you don’t necessarily need expensive sex toys to do it. Here’s how to start: Get comfortable somewhere in your house that you feel relaxed. Set the mood in whatever way you think might help (candles? sexy music? rose petals?). Then get to experimenting, but don’t worry about getting yourself to orgasm the first time. Try different techniques, positions, and places to touch yourself. Some women love nipple play, some prefer to focus only on the clitoris, and others get off with vaginal stimulation. And some like a combination of all of the above. Relax and take your time exploring your body, what kind of touch it reacts to, and how to get yourself to orgasm on your own.
Another thing to keep in mind, whether you are aiming to achieve orgasm on your own or with a partner, is that your sexual self-esteem is a huge factor in increasing your chances of orgasm, according to Women’s Health. A study published in the journal Socioaffective Neuroscience and Psychology found that sexual self-esteem was more important than how often you masturbate or how many partners you have had. Basically, this means that you should practice saying nice things to your body in order to have a mind-blowing orgasm. If needed, purchase items (like lingerie or cute undies that make you feel sexy) in order to feel better about your body — but don’t ignore your naked body either. It deserves praise.
Once you’ve learned how to give yourself an orgasm, have armed yourself with some self-esteem (and a favorite pair of lingerie, perhaps), learned the art of good communication and talking about your wants in the bedroom, and have even flirted your way to sexy times, then it’s time to focus on the deed itself. For this, take a few moments to relax and decompress from the day. You wouldn’t want your stressful talk with your boss at work or that fight with your BFF to distract you, so take a few mindful moments to decompress from your day in order to be able to focus on your orgasm. Then, well, have fun!