How Latinas Today Are Redefining Motherhood

What it means to be madre today in our culture is changing, and this change is happening on purpose. Many Latinas today witnessed their mothers engage in a type of mothering defined by self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice is praised and encouraged as a route to being a good mother. This comes from cultural beliefs about gender influenced by marianismo. Marianismo is a set of values, beliefs, and expectations that define a woman’s role in many Latin cultures. Marianismo says women should be pure, family centered, spiritual, subservient to men, and self-sacrificing. Growing up, many of us Latinas watched our mothers work extremely hard both inside and outside of the home. Our mothers held our families together by doing the majority of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare while also finding ways to contribute financially. Their work seemed to never end.

To those on the outside a mother putting all others over herself was seen as noble and an act of love. But for the daughters on the inside we saw our mothers always being put last, the last to eat, the last to sit down, the last to go to sleep, the last to be considered. We saw our mothers sometimes lose themselves to their role. Self-sacrifice easily becomes self-neglect or even self-abandonment, and in this generation we don’t want the same for ourselves.

Today Latinas want to mother differently. We want to protect ourselves from some of the harmful outcomes associated with marianismo such as depression, anxiety, and anger. We want to create new ideals and models for motherhood that are healthier and more balanced. While it can be incredibly difficult to redefine a role as important as mother, we can begin by creating a vision for what a healthier motherhood could look like for us. Once we identify what we want to do differently we can start to put it into practice.

In my work as a trauma therapist I work with many women who want to redefine motherhood. They recognize how generations of self-sacrifice have hurt women in their matrilineal line, and they want to make a positive change that will allow them to feel more healthy and balanced in their role as mother while also setting a new example for the future generations. If you are a Latina who wants to redefine motherhood, and are unsure of where to begin, here are some changes I have seen other Latinas make. Remember, you don’t have to change everything at once. You can pick one aspect that feels most important to you and practice making small changes to support that goal.

We strive to maintain an identity outside of motherhood.

We do this by allowing our role as mother to exist alongside our other life roles, and not subsume them. Today’s Latinas do not believe they have to give up who they are, their goals, dreams, and hopes for the future because they have children. We understand that spending time nurturing other parts of ourselves makes us better mothers, and is not selfish or harmful. Latinas today are choosing to grow their careers, hobbies, or friendships even after becoming mothers.

Tip: Create a list of your many different roles. Notice if the majority of your roles are in relation to family. For example, did you only list “mother, daughter, wife, etc.” If so, challenge yourself to think about other roles or parts of yourself that might come from hobbies, interests, or talents. You might be a dancer, writer, gardener, athlete, reader etc. Next, what is one thing you can do this week that nurtures one of these other roles? Can you challenge yourself to make this a priority?

We defy traditional gender norms.

Traditional gender norms say that women should be passive, subservient to men, and be solely responsible for children and household. Today many Latinas are embracing more egalitarian relationships and seeing their spouse or partner as exactly that — a partner, not a boss. Latinas today have grown more comfortable expecting their partners or spouses to contribute to chores, caretaking, and emotional nurture of the children. Latinas today are becoming more empowered to speak up, and to make requests of their partners.

Tip: Challenge yourself to go against the marianist urge to do it all yourself. It can be easy to default to traditional ideals when we tell ourselves things like “I am better at putting the baby to sleep so I should just do it” or “If I ask him to mop the floors he won’t do a good job, and I will have to do them over, so I might as well do it myself.” This is marianismo taking over. Practicing asking for and receiving help gets easier the more often you do it. It also allows others around you to practice these skills too. It’s okay if your partner or spouse doesn’t do it perfectly at first, because this is how they learn. When you ask for help you are giving both yourself and the other person an opportunity to grow.

We end the generational pattern of constant self-sacrifice.

Latinas today are learning to be more aware and attentive to their own personal needs. Although we love our children and families we recognize that we cannot pour from an empty cup. We practice balancing the needs of our family with our own, and making our own needs a priority. Latinas today who redefine motherhood regularly check in with themselves and ask “What do I need now? What am I not getting enough of? What could be helpful to me now?” Whether it is rest, play, alone time, or help. It is crucial to recognize your own needs in order to get them met.

Tip: Remember that we all have needs, and it is okay to want to have your needs met. To begin, get acquainted with your personal needs. This will make it a lot easier to answer the question of “What do I need?” or to communicate to others how they can help or support you. Check out a list of human needs such as this one, and select which of these needs are mostly met for you and which are not. Once you’ve identified your need areas begin to consider how you can get one of these needs met.

Today Latinas are redefining motherhood, and making changes in service of their well-being. Changing generational patterns is hard work. Remember that it is not your responsibility to change every single harmful norm or toxic pattern in your family history. By identifying what is most important to you, you can focus your energy there first. Your efforts will have a ripple effect outward to your loved ones, and to future generations who will continue the work. As a collective we can redefine the role of mother for our community, and make it one that both honors our love for our families and upholds our love for ourselves.