I usually speak about how to be brave. I’m known for lectures on how to stay positive and live a happy life overall; so when I looked at my teary eyes and blotchy face in the mirror this week, you can imagine, I felt like I had failed. I like to be very honest in my writing, and can’t write about what doesn’t feel real and true, so before choosing to change the topic of my POV this week and trying to mask my true feelings, I decided to be vulnerable, face my emotions, and express with honesty what my heart wants to say.
I’ve come to terms with the way I’ve been feeling lately and why I have been feeling a certain way. I’ve been navigating through uncharted waters, outside my comfort zone these past few weeks and it has destroyed me emotionally and drained me physically. These past couple of days I have found myself so emotional, incessantly crying at times because once the floodgates are open, once you let one thing out, once you acknowledge one thing made you upset, everything else seems to come up to surface as well. I would call my mom in the middle of the afternoon, sobbing, without taking into consideration, that my crying could make her feel bad as well. “I miss my dad” is what I would begin with (if you’re up-to-date with my POV’s, you know my dad was relocated for work). “School is stressing me out,” would usually follow. Then “I want to go home” I’d say as I’d think about ending the day in my own bed, in my own house, with familiar scents, and the usual playlists – something like what it used to be before the hurricanes took my “normal” away. Finally, “thinking of the future stresses me out, so I think about everything around me and I cry harder. I hate crying.” And there it was, wrapped up in that potpourri of melancholy, nostalgia and sadness, the one thing that upset me the most: I hated crying, and the thought of crying made me even more frustrated.
Crying is something so natural, something so pure, and harmless. It’s a coping method, or is it?
Why do I hate crying, is the real question. I think I’ve always known. I’ve always been known as someone so optimistic, and people have looked up to me for being strong when others would have crumbled to pieces, so I built up walls because I didn’t want people to think I was weak. So ever since, I’ve reminded myself of my strength, of this superhuman power I had, and would not allow myself room to cry. But when I cracked, when I buckled and let out those tears, there was no stopping them. This week was one of those times. I tried stopping them, but it was too late, I gave in to my emotions and cried for hours on end. I tried to cope, tried writing about my problems and tried to process what I was feeling, but I continued to sob. I sat down with my teachers, talked my problems out, but I couldn’t finish because I’d cry. Then I came to a realization: maybe crying is not the problem, but the answer.
Whenever you have to cry, stop fighting it. Just allow yourself to be vulnerable, to be human, to admit that you are not a superhero, and cry. Don’t try to bury or disguise your discomfort, acknowledge it, let your tears wash away the pain and frustration and release that burden so you can uncover the strong foundation that lies below.
The way I see it is crying clears the road ahead, gets rid of that knot in your throat and takes a weight off your chest. Don’t get mad at yourself for crying, because instead of making you weaker, crying makes you stronger. To admit that you are sad, or in pain is a brave move and you are only stronger for accepting it.